dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
