Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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