I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Randomize
