I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
