she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
