Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I have already put on my inside pants.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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