Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
