Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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