Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
