I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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