Where did you get a picture of my penis
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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