Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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