I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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