Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
