I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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