i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
