I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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