nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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