oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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