Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
