Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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