I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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