I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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