You smell like a Billy Joel song
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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