I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
