the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
How's work?
Spinning.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
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