Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I just googled if crying burns calories
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
