you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
