Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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