As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
