Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
