I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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