Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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