Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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