He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
