no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
