My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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