playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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