My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
