Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
