he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
