I only kidnapped one of them. chill
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
