my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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