so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
