fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Randomize
