i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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