He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
