Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Randomize
