she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
