It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
