My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
